


at least i try (to keep my cool when i am thrown into a fire)

by borrowedtime



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, F/M, biphobia just to warn you, fluid Lena aka bisexual lena, he's great, it's from Lilian, not from Jack tho, of course
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-05
Updated: 2017-05-05
Packaged: 2018-10-28 09:45:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10828740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/borrowedtime/pseuds/borrowedtime
Summary: ‘So,’ Jack says, with a grin. ‘Your reporter friend is cute.’Lena feels a spike of jealousy, and pretends not to know who it’s for. ‘Her name is Kara.’‘Right.’ Jack nods. ‘Do you think she’s cute?’





	at least i try (to keep my cool when i am thrown into a fire)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "Told You So" by Paramore.
> 
> so,..... this is a conversation i wished existed in the canon & also i wish Jack hadn't of died because i wanted to know more about him and Lena's relationship. Gdi. 
> 
> This is basically a Lena dealing with bisexuality fic because i wanted to address a lot of how I think she would deal with that, or not deal with that. Also set after their date in 2x18, but i put them in her apartment for reasons? who knows.

They’re sitting on the couch, a glass of red wine in their hands, when he speaks.

‘So,’ Jack says, with a grin. ‘Your reporter friend is cute.’

Lena feels a spike of jealousy somewhere between her ribs, and pretends not to know who it’s for. ‘Her name is Kara.’ 

‘Right.’ Jack nods. 

Lena looks away from the gorgeous view of the skyline this apartment affords her. She glances over at Jack and thinks, he looks completely at ease here. Like he belongs on her couch at near to midnight, drinking red wine and smiling up at her. 

‘I’m not surprised you moved on, Lena.’ His smile softens. ‘I’m sure you have a ton of people wanting your attention.’ 

She scoffs. ‘Not for the right reasons.’

She’s resolute - two wine glasses into this conversation - that she’s not going to entertain Jack on this subject. Certainly not the one where he seems to think that Kara and her have something going on behind closed doors.

But, she’s not going to correct him either. No, that would mean acknowledging what he just said.

‘Do you think she’s cute?’

Lena just about chokes on her mouthful of wine, only through her rigorous training (as her mother called it) is she able to stifle the incident into something less noticeable.

She turns to him fully. ‘She has a boyfriend.’

Jack shrugs. Like it doesn’t matter. Like it’s inconsequential. Like it’s not a pivotal piece of information about Kara that Lena has spent the remainder of the evening trying not to think about. 

He drains the rest of his wine. ‘That’s not what I asked.’ 

Lena’s about to move over to him and refill his wine glass. Ever the gracious host. He waves her away with one of his hands, the wine bottle already in the other. She takes a seat next to him at that point, watches him pour himself a glass of wine with perfect precision. One of the best things about conducting experiments with Jack was his steady hands.

He’s smiling at her again, and raises his glass to his mouth. ‘Oh, come on. Just answer the question, Lena.’ 

She rolls her eyes. It’s the better approach, pretending this whole matter is above her. ‘Why are you so interested?’ 

He places his wine glass on the table and gestures, waiting, as if that’s an answer.

So, she leans forward. Evade, distract, and change the subject. ‘Are you hoping for a threesome?’ 

The comment is almost worth it solely for the look of sheer horror on Jack’s face. 

‘Lena, of course not!’ He says. Vehemently denies. He looks so scandalised that she knows for certain that it’s true. Out of the two of them, she was always better at pretending to feel things she didn’t. 

So, she smiles. ‘I know. I’m teasing.’ 

He stares at her then, shock melting into a smile and then a smile melting into a serious furrow of his brow. ‘You’re not going to answer the question, are you?’ 

‘Which question was that?’ She, too, puts her half empty wine glass down. 

‘Lena.’ 

‘What?’ 

He sighs, like it’s a conversation they’d had a million times before. Lena thinks, well, they might have. ‘Lee, you know I’m not going to care.’ 

Lena bristles. She knows he hasn’t, in good faith, used the nickname as a way to get her to open up. But it’s all she can think about. It’s what she would do. Turn the conversation, pry open a person’s private thoughts using a nickname or a pet name. It’s worked before.

She doesn’t mean the anger, but it’s there. ‘Can’t you just accept that maybe I don’t want to answer?’

This. This is why she can’t have him around, she realises. He knows too much about her. The deeper things. The things she won’t share with anyone else that’s still sane and alive. But no, another part of her whispers, isn’t nice to have him here? Isn’t it nice not to be lonely? 

Jack stares at her, resolute. ‘I don’t think that’s why you’re not telling me.’ 

‘Oh.’ She feels her face twist into a horrid smirk. ‘Have you been psychoanalysing me this entire evening then?’ 

He sighs again, his face looking more and more tired as hers grows more animated. ‘You know I haven’t. I would never do that you to.’ 

It’s his melancholic tone that drains away all her misplaced righteous indignation, at that point. She deflates and bites at her thumb nail for want of a better thing to do. 

‘I’m sorry.’ God, even her apology sounds rehearsed to her ears. A farce. ‘I’m sorry, Jack.’

He shrugs. ‘It’s okay.’ 

‘It’s not.’ She hates feeling like this, like she made someone she loved feel attacked.

A mischievous smile lights up his face. ‘So make it up to me, then.’ 

She runs through the options of what he’s about to suggest. Lands on that it might be of a sexual nature. They haven’t seen each other in months. Would he really take this opportunity? No, not if she didn’t want to. He might ask, though.

‘What?’ She ends up grinning at him, feeling a little lighter. 

‘Tell me if she’s pretty.’

All her gaiety is gone in an instant. ‘Jack.’ 

‘Lena.’ He’s smiling, still, but it’s much softer and gentler. ‘You need to talk about it.’

She’d forgotten he was like this. She’d forgotten he knows almost everything about her. Even the parts she tried to bury, even the parts she tried to hide, the parts she tried to kill.

‘Why?’ Her voice, she’s convinced, has never sounded smaller. But she can’t put in the effort to make it seem like she’s stronger than this. She’s so tired. God, she’s so tired.

He places a hand on hers. Soft. Warm. Gentle. ‘Because it’s a part of you.’ 

She feels tear sting at her eyes, blinks them away. They don’t fall. ‘I can’t, Jack. You know I can’t.’

He knows about most of her past. The way Lilian treated her. The way she was raised. The way she discovered when she was 10 that she liked boys and girls. Both.

He nods. ‘It’s that serious, then?’ 

He means her attraction to Kara, the feelings that stir in her chest. She can barely nod. 

She’s biting her cheek so hard to keep the tears from coming. ’It’s pointless.’

He knows how Lilian reacted when she learnt about Lena's bisexuality. He knows how many speeches Lena endured, about how the Luthors didn’t need another spectacle and how she couldn’t fathom Lena being liked this. He knows how Lilian spoke to Lena, telling her that she could understand Lena being straight or gay but not this strange in-between, not both, not making a clear choice. Luthors are decisive, Luthors make a choice. Luthors don’t waiver in between two options because they’re too confused to make up their minds. 

He seems to understand then, withdraws his hand. ‘I get it. I mean, I don’t get it. But you don’t have to talk to me about it.’ 

He knows that as a scientist Lena had wanted facts and figures to deal with this, so she studied herself and her attractions. He knows, statistically, Lena has figured out she is much more attracted to women than she is to men. But the attraction to men is there, and it’s not something she can pretend doesn’t exist or try and hide away. Not for Lilian. Not for anyone.

‘Thank you.’ She sighs. 

He knows that Lilian would much prefer, if she had a choice, that Lena end up with a man. There was less bad press that way. Something she made ardently clear to Lena many times over. The only solace she could draw from what she thought was a useless relationship with Jack was that he was a man.

So, Lilian grew up with the habit of her throat closing up whenever she thought about how attractive a woman was. She could flirt and glance all she liked, but actually admit that she felt something out loud for a woman? All her defensive mechanisms went into high alert and she couldn’t, couldn’t speak. 

Jack noticed this, when they were friends before lovers, earlier than she thought he might. He used to joke that she liked a woman back at MIT, her old friend Mara. He was right, but it took him a night where they had gotten drunk on too much whiskey for him to figure it out. So, he used to try and talk to her about it. He didn’t care, he said. It was her right to be attracted to whoever she damn well liked, he said. He used to try and coax information out of her, when he realised how hard it was for her to talk about, with gentle words and oh so kind expressions.

‘I hate Lilian for that.’ He sighs, getting up and walking over to the windows. ‘I mean, I hate her for a lot of the ways she treated you. That one just - it just - ‘ 

He stops when she approaches him, and he runs a hand through his hair. ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t speak about it like it’s my pain to feel.’ 

Lena shrugs and grins sardonically. ‘One of us has to.’ 

He wraps an arm around her, and she leans into the embrace. She knows nothing will happen between them, realistically. Not with her feelings for Kara. Not with the way their relationship ended. But the comfort is nice. Having him around is nice.

‘I missed you.’ She whispers, unsure if he’ll hear her. 

‘I missed you too.’ She hears, just above her. 

Lena wills all her remaining energy into calming down her heartbeat enough to whisper, quieter than before, barely audible. ‘Kara is beautiful.’

Jack chuckles, like this moment is no big deal. Like this is just two old friends talking about daily conversation. Like this is good for her to admit. 

‘I thought you’d say that.’

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.
> 
> I also want to outline that I am a bisexual (woo) and the comments (which are shitty) do draw on personal experience, so they are somewhat informed on the subject of biphobia.


End file.
